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The Ventilator Conversation
To be brave in these times is hard. Existentially hard. I am grieving. I’m feeling loopy, oﬀ balance and adrift in a surreal other world where everything seems inside out. Apparently we can’t save one another so we must avoid one another. This can’t be happening. But it is. I’ve got to make sense of this for me, for you, for us. Wearing my Dad’s belt today is helping. He was the bravest person I’ve known. He loved his life and he saved my mother’s life and cared for her for 23 years. When he died, he giggled his way across. I remember one evening when his dog would not stop barking. A big fat snake had entered his kennel. Dad appeared with his leather to the elbow barbecue gloves and a pitchfork. I got the dog and he went up to the snake, scooped it up and walked to the woods where he heaved it back to where it had come from. I asked him where he learned to do that. He said, “Wall Street.” I’m inclined to adore my heroes. I have faith and this is hard.
In Resilience, Eric Greitens coaches “Don’t expect a time in your life when you’ll be free from change, free from struggle, free from worry. To be resilient, you must understand that your objective is not to come to rest, because there is no rest. Your objective is to use what hits you to change your trajectory in a positive direction.” “People tell you, "Don't worry." That's usually friendly advice – and also unhelpful. It's better to tell people, "Worry productively." If you're going to spend time thinking about bad things that might happen, then use that energy for a purpose. Go ahead and visualize the worst that can happen. But instead of wallowing in your worries, imagine how you'll respond to them. Practice. Mentally rehearse what you'll do. Imagine and envision yourself making it through hardship. Your mind is built to prepare for problems. That's more than OK – it's good. The goal of mental rehearsal isn't to ﬁll your head with happy thoughts about the future, but to prepare yourself to succeed in the real world.”
“Fear is a core emotion. A life without fear is an unhealthy life.” “Focus not on wiping out your anxiety, but on directing your anxiety to worthy ends. Focus not on reducing your fear, but on building your courage – because, as you take more and more responsibility for your life, you'll need more and more courage.” “Recognition of the tragic character of life is part of what spurs art, energy, comedy, courage. Would you love people the same if they could never die?”
Now is THE time for reckoning “all the obnoxious feelings that grief entails” says BJ Miller, MD, of ENDWELL. But I’m hopeful. I’m grieving. You’re grieving. We’re grieving. That is a welcome new reality for me. I’m not alone. And neither are you. We do have choices. Brené Brown urges “Love is the last thing we need to ration right now...and Expectations are just resentments waiting to happen.”
I am especially concerned about ventilators and how desperately we apparently need them. “Healthy people think about how they want to die. Sick people think about how they want to live.” Jessica Zitter, MD, MPH. We need to have conversations with our loved ones about how we live and about how we hope to die.
It’s time to have The Ventilator Conversation. Candidly. Soberly. Joyfully. While we can. It matters not what we choose- pro, con, or not sure. What is important is that we open ourselves and our loved ones to what what our values are and what we value. We can be productive with our worry and pre plan for the end of our life: our death. “The goal isn’t a good death but a good life all the way through to the end.” ~Atul Gwande, MD. And this is important: “Listen with the same passion that you have for being heard.” ~Harriet Lerner.
“Talking about sex will not make you pregnant. Talking about death will not make you die.” Alua Arthur from Going with Grace, practices The Art of Embracing the Unknown starting with ‘What must I do to be at peace with myself so that I may live presently and die gracefully?”
Do you remember how to eat an elephant? Little bites. “We can do hard things” Glennon Doyle, one step at a time. Slowly. Oh, and please fall apart. Learning hurts. I know it makes me feel better to get into it, roll around, and notice how it’s already changing me and who I’m becoming. “It’s not what happens when we die that matters but how we live these lives.” ~Eben Alexander, MD.
I am especially concerned about ventilators and how desperately we apparently need them. Now is the time to have The Ventilator Conversation.
"What The Word Needs Now Is Love" ~Dionne Warwick
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